He can’t be fixed.
When you are a successful and intelligent woman, and your relationships are crappy, they can’t be “fixed.”
At the end of the day, health, money, and lifestyle are all important. Still, they won’t mean as much if you don’t find your love mate, save your marriage, or have a loving relationship.
Maybe you’re in a bad relationship, and you’ve tried arguing, ignoring him, and sometimes even threaten to leave him, but none of it worked.
He frequently goes out with his buddies to relax after work before coming home, agrees to do something you asked, doesn’t do it, gives excuses why, and promises to do it next time. And a whole host of other frustrating behavior.
Or maybe you’re single because you can’t find a guy worth being with. But then you start dating, and he calls you at the last minute, expecting you to be available. After several dates and shared intimacy, he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship. Ugh.
So, here you are…wondering how an intelligent, successful, and independent woman can’t seem to be in more loving relationships with healthy boundaries. I’ve been there way too many times in the past. I know you, and I feel your pain.
Maybe you’re thinking something along the lines of,
“I must be doing something to upset him, so I need to figure that out and fix it.”
Or “My heart belongs to him, so I can’t help myself, even when he’s not being nice.”
Maybe its’ something along the lines of “I need to be a more feminine type of woman.” (Cook more often, rub his back and be ready when he came home.)
Those are your perceptions of what’s going on. They’ve been based on your past experiences, judgments, and bias (we all have them).
But what’s actually true is:
The only way to “fix” anyone is to change what’s not working within yourself.
It’s not about being girly, sweet, or soft while wearing pink. It’s about embracing your womanhood…all the messy, complicated, and beautiful parts.
It’s a beautiful thing to be in love, but only to the degree, you love yourself. Everything else is bordering on martyrdom, which is reserved for saints. (If you are in an abusive situation, please reach out to your local shelter, your call is confidential).
You can give your all, bend to his will or beg him to change, but it won’t happen until you do.
There are likely events in your past that are contributing to your relationship issue now. You will know that these things have happened, but you won’t have realized the connection. You can work through them and learn how to pivot. You can move from being the woman who is carrying frustration, disappointment or blame in your relationship to someone who recognizes her role that she played in that. (This is NOT about blame; it’s about understanding the healing you needed to be able to make significant changes in your relationship).
You’ll be one of the women who are powerfully moving towards 21st-century leadership, and that will have a ripple effect on your children, grandchildren, and generations of women in your circle.