The song was on the radio again.
Just over twenty-four years ago, our story ended without fanfare on his end.
He had tried to let me go several years before that, but I hung on like someone who heard a sad diagnosis but continued to live as if not hearing it at all. Like the 1920’s woman in the white silk gown dramatically hanging on her man’s leg (while posing beautifully), I hung on a bit longer as he unwillingly dragged me along.
Her voice felt painfully melancholy but vaguely empowering.
I listened to it a hundred times, and each time my mind told me that I had that all figured out a long time ago. So why was I still triggered and felt such sadness?
Unhappy but beautiful lyrics are easy to get caught up in, but what I was feeling was more than that.
I continued driving and settled on the idea that I hadn’t finished with the pain of the breakup even after all this time. I was satisfied that I’ve grown enough that it will soon pass.
I continue driving in solitude. Somehow driving a five thousand plus beast makes me feel in control.
But my mind can’t relax. I start thinking about him again, and suddenly my ex-husband from years before popped into my head. It made logical sense as both were painful, and then, the revelation.
Tears began to cloud my view, and I had to pull over. I saw my ex-husband standing in front of me when I left with the kids. He was devastated. The pain in his face came rushing over me. All of a sudden, my tears and feeling of sadness became uncontrollable.
After all those years, I couldn’t recognize my ex’s pain because I didn’t feel worthy enough to be capable of breaking someone’s heart. It was always my soul being crushed.
Knowing that I could break someone’s heart had nothing to do with power or control; it was about me realizing that I was loved and that I was worthy of love. Something my mother hadn’t taught me.
That night I sent healing and love to my ex and asked for forgiveness. The next time we met at a family gathering before I hugged his wife and son, I held our hug for an extra moment. I felt the unspoken forgiveness.
It’s not easy making the connection to the painful event in our past that is causing issues in our current relationship. We might think we have sorted (like the work I did around my mother). And then we’re triggered and don’t really know why (or we assign it to something or someone else).
But what happens is we keep bringing it forward into our next relationship. When something touches you deeply and doesn’t go away …it is your understanding of God, Angels, or the Universe sending you opportunities to heal.
Listen when your soul cries…she knows what she needs, and it’s up to you to accept.