How do you know if you’re making the right decisions in your relationship?
For many years (more than I’d like to admit), I thought I was making decisions in my relationship using my intuition. But it was my ego driving the bus.
(When I use the word ego, I’m referring to personality, the part of us that we cultivate over the years, combined with our culture, customs, and the circle of people that influenced us. It’s not the ego in the sense of pride.)
When I first understood that term back in the 1990s, I thought, I’ve got this!” Seemed simple enough. Intuitive hits would give me a sensation, vibe, pic or something to “grasp.” So, when I heard myself saying,
“He loves you, he just needs time,”
or “He’ll want you because you’re the good woman, the others are just fun,”
I believed it. After all, that’s what my heart was telling me, so it must be true.
That’s where the ego can get mistaken for intuition. (For now, let’s take the word heart out of it because that brings up all kinds of ideas about what heart feelings are. Heart and intuition aren’t always the same thing. My heart was all in, but it led me astray. It was based on an emotional concept of love drawn up in my mind, which at the time was wearing rose-colored glasses, and I believed it to be my heart. It took it being crushed to realize the difference). I would get a feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on. It went something like this:
She says: (worriedly) “Are you seeing someone else?” (She is feeling something is “off”).
He says: (defensively) “Why would you ask me that?” (Throwing the hot potato back to her instead of having an honest conversation).
She says: (hoping it’s not true) “Because you keep telling me you have to work late.” (She starts questioning her intuitive feeling.)
He says: (hoping to stop the line of questioning) “You’re crazy. I have a lot to do on this new project, that’s all.” (Because he’s not ready to give either woman up).
She finds out later he is having an affair.
Or it goes something like this:
She says: (feeling hurt), “I don’t think you really love me.” (She’s noticed he pulls away slightly when she reaches for him.)
He says: (in an off-handed way) “I’m here, aren’t I?” (He doesn’t look at her when he answers).
Time goes by, and he confesses he not really into her anymore.
Or…she says: (feeling emotional pain) “Are you going to break up with me?” (It’s on her mind a lot, and she keeps getting a feeling.)
He says: (hoping) “Do you want me to?” (Turning it back onto her to make the decision).
Sometime later, they end up breaking up.
I’ve seen too many women blame themselves for thinking they were ‘wrong’ about their intuition. They say things like,
“Why didn’t I see this coming,”
or “I knew it, why didn’t I listen?"
Or worse, they still don’t see it and get involved in another bad relationship. (Like I did more than once.) But that was the problem in a nutshell, I didn’t trust my intuition even when I “knew.” I ignored it, so I didn’t have to say the painful goodbye.
Intuition was disregarded again.
You weren’t wrong – you were confusing your ego with your intuition.
That part of you that was made up of all past experiences, judgements and biases. That’s what kept you attracting bad relationships, and that’s what made it feel like “it came out of left field” when he broke up or had an affair, or…
You don’t need a hype man, the guy that comes on stage to get the audience worked up. You need the tools you can apply to your relationship so you can break that pattern of attracting crappy ones or pivoting the one you’re into a healthier one.
Passion can keep you stuck in poor relationships. But when combined with doing the work of clearing your past hurtful event and the emotions surrounding that, you’ll get a much better understanding of your intuitive nature and how it applies to the way you behave in relationships. Once you’ve seen, you can’t un-see, and that will remain with you the next time you interact in a relationship.
You’ll be able to recognize the difference between an old past story driving the bus and your pure heart that resides in your intuitive nature.