You say “fine,” when you really want to say, “Heck no!” to your partner.
Because it’s easy to lose yourself when you’re in love.
It’s not your intention, especially since you’re laser-focused in your business. But somehow, you end up putting on those dang glasses, (you know, the rose-colored ones. I proudly wore mine before and during my relationship! I was convinced that I needed to stay positive in an ugly relationship. You know, positive thinking and all that…)
We often go into a relationship with a vision of how we want it to be, and, in the beginning, he seems to fit the bill. He appears emotionally reliable, kind, and maybe even dependable. But slowly it starts to deteriorate with subtle comments on how you dress, or offhand (and negative) comments about your girlfriends and wanting to stay home more often.
Your automatic response to things not working is to fix them. It’s what got you to where you are in business – seeing a problem and taking the responsibility to work it out.
But instead of sharing the responsibility, (like what comes naturally to you with your business teammates) you slowly start suppressing your needs to keep the peace.
“Maybe I don’t really need a date night every week.”
You excuse his comments about your friends (or start to believe they’re true – she IS a bit bossy).
And worst of all, you look in the mirror and think that dress you love doesn’t really look as good on you as you thought it did. You feel worse about yourself, and you cling to him even more – after all, he still wants you even though you gained a little weight.
It’s easy to get caught up in avoiding the reality of what’s happening and get stuck in pleasing mode: “if only I could …he would…”.
But there’s a lot more going on here than meets the eye.
It could be that his comment about date night meant that he wanted to stay home, Netflix and cuddle, but your damaged past interprets it as him being embarrassed to be seen with you.
Maybe his idea about your friend is accurate, she is bossing you around, and he wants to protect you.
And perhaps he’s a little insecure about you wearing such a fabulous dress but doesn’t know how to express that.
How can you tell the difference?
It may be that he is being a jerk, and it’s time to tell him to not let the door hit him on the way out – or… you’re unknowingly interpreting through a filter of past hurt.
I’m talking way past, not just your ex. (If he isn’t a jerk and genuinely cares for you, you can get help – for example, couples counseling to learn better communication).
When you figure this out (I’m an expert helping you with this) you notice his intentions more clearly and decide what you want from the relationship.
But, if you carry on without looking at the role you are playing, you will end up suffering (if he’s a jerk) or sabotaging being with a good man. (He doesn’t recognize the woman he was first attracted to and doesn’t know what to do about your lack of confidence.)
We all know you can lead a horse to water…
Here’s the thing. You can enter a relationship wounded (we all do to a degree). You certainly don’t need to be all sorted out. But unless you’re willing to look at how you are projecting in this relationship when your past hurt encroaches (or comes in like a tornado), things are not likely to change in your favor. Over time it could end a potentially good relationship, or worse, you end up living in quiet desperation.
When you get to the root of your past painful event that’s connecting to your relationship and work through it, you’ll end up feeling free. Free to be who you are, and the person you’re in love with won’t have to navigate leaps and bounds to be with you; he can just be with the woman he fell in love with. Better yet, you’ll fall back in love with yourself.